somebodylovesmeblog

Sharing God's love with the world, one heart at a time.

Beauty and Love are Always to be Found

22 Comments

Since my mother’s death in September, it has been hard for me to focus on the feelings and truths that are waiting for me to acknowledge.

It’s  not that I am consciously afraid of the feelings that will bubble up, but more that I know the immense tidal wave of feelings and memories that will engulf me, and I just need “me time” to sort it all out, and actually have the time to feel, face and process all that the Holy Spirit reveals to me. 

My heartfelt thanks and gratitude go out to all of you that have prayed for my mom, me, and my family, and also for your love and support.  An extra thank you to Tina, who reached out to me in her special way, to empathize and encourage me to write.  She knows that writing helps me to sort things out, and hopefully my search and struggle will help others who may be experiencing similar things.

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed, with the magnitude of what is occurring in our country and the world, and also with the tapestry of my own  life.  Although none of us will ever know the full beauty of our life tapestries until the Lord reveals them to us in His Glory in heaven, I feel as though some of the golden threads will be made visible to my eyes, through the Holy Spirit.  Somehow, the Lord will open my eyes and heart to understand the reasons for events in my life, and also the lessons that I was meant to learn through each struggle.  How everything was interconnected, and how the Lord always leads us to beauty, even through things we consider to be evil and ugly.

Beauty and Love are always to be found, especially when things are the darkest…especially in the midst of pain, struggle, and any evil that Satan wreaks on our lives.

So I ask for your patience, as I trudge forward, one step at a time.  I ask the Lord to use me as a vessel, to touch hearts that need to be touched with love and comfort.

This past Saturday, I went grocery shopping.  As I listened to Christmas music while strolling the aisles with my cart, my eyes caught the rice pudding.  The delicious, all natural rice pudding that I always bought for my mom.  All of a sudden, I was overcome with emotion.  It was an all consuming sadness, happiness, and love, all at once.  I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and  just stood there, looking at the pudding, unable to move.  I allowed myself to feel all of it fully, and then just moved on.

After that, little snippets of memories kept popping up.

The awesome birthday parties mom gave us.  Mine was a fall birthday, so the decorations were always fall themed…lots of orange and black crepe paper and pumpkins.  Orange, yellow, and brown flowers on my cake, and honeycombed bright orange  pumpkin centerpieces.  I absolutely LOVE fall, and those birthday parties are probably one of the reasons I love it so much!

The delicious soft boiled eggs she made for me mixed with pieces of white bread.  When I was feeling a little sick, the eggs were so comforting to me.

Playing cards and board games with mom…she was the master of Canasta!

The way she always had something to serve to visitors.  Even if it was store bought cookies and coffee, or sharing our dinner, there was always something to offer to guests.

The grocery store.  When Mom first moved in with us, she would go grocery shopping with me, using her cane.  She would just want to buy everything, mostly sweets, so we got two carts and we both filled them.  Then she started using her walker, which then led to a wheelchair.  Although it was stressful when she shopped with me, it was sad when she no longer asked to go.

As soon as I walked into the house after shopping, she would always ask, “What goodies did you get?”  Meaning, cheesies, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pudding, etc.  I tried to limit them a little, but she  ended up getting most of what she wanted.

“The rosary is on at three thirty; would you like to pray it with me?”  When I finally accepted Mom’s invitation to pray with her, our relationship changed.  I remember one occasion vividly.  While we were praying, I looked over at her face.  There is no other way to describe what I saw…her face was illuminated and transformed.  I could literally see the Holy Spirit shining from her.

The many times she told me to just relax.  There was always so much to get done after work and on weekends to stay caught up as well as I could.  She was always telling me to let things go and just relax.  Maybe I should have listened???

On one of the days right before she passed away, my sister asked how she felt.  Mom said, “I’m good, but not as good as I will be in February.”  When my sister asked her what happens in February, she said, “I am going to have a great grandson!”

At one point, I said, “Mom, you know you will see your great grandson once you are in heaven.”  She looked at me with a glint in her eye, and said “I know, but I am not ready to leave this world yet.”

One night when she was having a hard time sleeping due to her breathing issues, I climbed in bed with her, and held her hand.  I asked her if it was ok that I was in bed next to her.  Her answer?  “We should do this more often.”

The look of wonder in her eyes the day before she died, when she looked straight into my eyes and said, “You have the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen!”  And then she called me “Jan” and proceeded to tell me about her daughter, Bernadette, and her husband that take care of her.  She said they did such a good job, but she worries that they do too much and worries about their health.

That moment when our eyes connected, when she was so weak and had gone through another breathing episode.  She asked me if I gave her “the pill” yet.  I “knew” that she meant that she was ready to pass on…she was ready to leave.  I am not sure why she thought there was one “pill” that would allow her to die, but I do know that she trusted me and she was telling me that her time on earth was ending.

Where does this all lead to?

Beauty and Love are always to be found, especially when things are the darkest…especially in the midst of pain and struggle.  And too many times, we do not understand the truth of that, until our world is shaken.  Until that person is taken away from us.  Until a stressful or difficult situation is behind us. 

I take great comfort in this truth:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Beauty and Love are Always to be Found

  1. Oh, my dear one, my heart breaks for your pain in the loss of your mother. You have shared this so beautifully. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I hurt when my mom went to live with Jesus, too. Please know I will be praying for you as you adjust to life without her presence. May God be your strength and peace in the days and weeks ahead. Keep writing. And may God continue to use your words to speak to the hearts of all of us.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you very much for your kind words. When we lose someone we love, there is no way to really prepare for their death, is there? After experiencing this loss, I have a new understanding and heart for those who are grieving. We all need to allow ourselves to mourn and feel the pain, in order to grow in faith.

      I do know that it is much deeper than just mourning their passing, but also struggling to keep them in our hearts, while at the same time knowing we must let them go.

      May God continue to bless you,
      Bernadette

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I could say Bernadette that, “It gets easier.” But I can’t. I can say though the acceptance of it will, in days down the road. I know your faith Bernadette, and beyond a shadow of a doubt I know, God’s grace is always with you. You prove that every single time you write.

    As far as the “store,” I understand that completely. I was in Walmart and what triggered it I have no idea to this day. I must have seen something on the shelf without realizing it. I was standing there, just bawling, and I could not stop. So from one daughter to the other in the store, I do so understand what you were feeling.

    You hang in there. We are both trying to get through these holidays without our Mother’s. We will. You know if you ever need to talk to can email me. I am here for you, as you have been for me. Love and God Bless, SR

    Liked by 1 person

    • God bless you, SR, especially through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Your deep faith will carry you, and I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill you with His love, peace, comfort, and joy:-) Isn’t it amazing how the Lord teaches us love through ALL things?

      Thank you for your loving and compassionate words.

      With love in and through Jesus,
      Bernadette

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  3. What lovely and encouraging thoughts my friend! Happy Thanksgiving to you this week, blessings

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your Faith will get you through, God is always Faithful to Us! (sorry It clicked already before I could add this)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amen. Beautifully said.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautifully expressed. I pray that the Lord grant you comfort and His peace that transcends all understanding as you move forward in the grieving process. Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bless you sweet Bernadette~ the eyes will be like fountains but the memories will heal and preserve your heart. Let it flow. Heartfelt love for you as you remember. ~ Wynema

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I just want you to know that I always enjoy your blog. What a joy to know that our Lord Jesus is always with us. I’m sorry about the loss of your dear mother. How precious will those memories always be to you. You were a wonderful daughter and made her last days here on this earth ones of blessing and joy. My mother has been with Jesus for several years now, but I think of her every day, and thank God for the things she taught me and the life she lived as a strong believer in Christ.
    May you continue to find comfort in Him, and in your love for the Word of God.
    Shirley

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I read your story with tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing these beautiful memories and inspiring me to connect with my own mother in a deeper way. May God bless you and ease the pain of your loss. I am praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am just seeing your comment now…so sorry it took this long for me to respond! So happy that my words and feelings were a blessing to you. Thank you so much for the prayers. We are all here for each other through Jesus:-)

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Bernadette – thank you for sharing so openly. Even though we tend to gravitate toward the shadows when we are facing tough times and trials, it is in the midst of that time that the power of the truth and of our faith is able to speak the loudest. Just as your blog is entitled – Somebodylovesme – there are people whose lives have been completely depleted and are standing barren and they glean strength from voices such as yours. May the fragrance of fond memories fill your home with a contentment this Thanksgiving, and may your heart be restored to a place of gladness as you know He has always been and will continue to be with you! Love you much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tina, thank you for your kind and loving words. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit works through me to touch hearts that are in need. We all have our “journey toward God stories” to share to help others on the same path. You have inspired me with yours:-)
      Love you too!!!

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  11. Just wanted to stop by and say have a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow. Also to let you know you are greatly loved by us all, and YOU AND I are going to “get-er-done!” Know you are in my prayers tonight and tomorrow. Love ya and God Bless, SR

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Listening for His Voice | somebodylovesmeblog

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