There are many reasons that I could give to explain why I haven’t written a post for such a long time. However, this is what sums it up:
The facade of my life that I unknowingly created in my own mind was demolished. This devastated me, and I am still processing what it means to be me.
I thought that I dealt with each life event as they happened…but I didn’t, all the way back to my childhood. What I did was put all of it on the back burner, thinking that I could go on with my life without actually feeling the pain, confusion, disappointment or anger that was simmering inside of me, just below the surface. Because, I have so many wonderful blessings in my life…why couldn’t I just focus on those blessings? What was wrong with me, what was that gnawing feeling down deep that there was more to me than I was willing to acknowledge?
The last few years were extremely difficult for me:
My sons and their wives moved across country…something I never, ever envisioned happening to our family.
My mom passed away after living with my husband and me for over ten years. The stress of being responsible for her health and happiness, and then sharing in her dying process through hospice in our home, was overwhelming. As I started to grieve for her, I realized that I never truly grieved or faced the death of my father years ago. And both of those grief processes are very complicated.
Making the decision to move cross country to be near our new grandson, and my oldest son and daughter in law. That meant leaving friends, family, and our beautiful home in Virginia. Which also meant downsizing about 75 percent of our belongings, and moving into a much smaller condo in California. As I sold and gave away so many things that had been a part of my life for so long, I kind of put blinders on, and pushed all my feelings to the side. I did the exact same thing regarding my friends and family that I would be moving away from. How else could I have made that move? I literally numbed myself without even realizing it.
Then I started a job at an assisted living community. I work reception, and have fallen in love with many of the residents and their families. Although I love the people, and the relationships, something else started to happen to me. I started suffering anxiety/panic attacks, and I did not understand why.
Evidently, God isn’t through with me yet. More and more dark layers are being peeled away from my heart. I am facing demons that have lied to me for many, many years. And once again, Jesus is helping me to heal gently. I want it all to be gone NOW, however, He knows the timing…He knows what remains hidden inside of me.
One of the reasons that I haven’t posted in such a long time, is that I don’t have all the answers. However, I know now that it’s ok not to have the answers. Jesus has been there each and every minute of my life. He knows The Truth…He knows my true soul and my true self. My life is in His hands, and I trust where He is leading me.
He is there for all of us…in our joy, sadness, sin, anger, confusion, grief, and pain. When we truly accept that, we can stop trying to control everything and everyone in our lives, and we can rest in the love of Jesus. And we will come closer and closer to understanding “what it means to be me.”
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