My husband and I have been living here in Colorado for about two months. Of course there are many stories that led up to this moment, and hopefully, many more stories and memories to come.
What is amazing to me, is the absolute beauty of this place, and how God led us one step at a time, to arrive at this very moment…surrounded by the sights and experiences that reveal His signature and His plan in our life.
Although, on the outside, it may have appeared as though my life has been easy and simple, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Actually, even I believed my life was “perfect” in every way.
I believed my family life growing up was loving and closely knit, and then I strived for what I felt was perfection in my marriage and while raising my sons. I unknowingly created a type of “happy place” in my heart and mind, and did my best to bring peace, love and nurturing to my sons and husband.
Peace is the magical word for me…life was peaceful and happy, and peace is what I thrive on.
I started noticing glimmers that there was something wrong, when I would feel funny or icky when I was around my parents and sisters. I first noticed this when I was in my twenties, and when I felt those strange feelings, I didn’t understand where they were coming from. My family was close, and I loved them, so I attributed those negative vibes to my own character flaws…that I didn’t love them enough.
So I stuffed down those feelings…burying them deep.
This is how I traveled down the path of my life. Surrounded by the daily joys and hardships of marriage and raising a family, I focused on the day to day and tried to create a loving home, that was peaceful and welcoming.
What I was doing, was trying to give to my family what I did not have growing up. I guess that is what we all do.
I pushed past the many fears that I had (and still do) by avoiding them, unconsciously avoiding the anxiety and panic attacks that would be triggered. Although I was starting to realize some of the realities of the childhood trauma I had suffered through along with my sisters, the revelations only came to me in unconnected bits and pieces. As a layer would be peeled away, exposing a truth, it would take me quite awhile to comprehend and accept what was revealed. Once I worked on that issue or memory/feeling, I would happily stay on that plateau…until another layer was exposed.
This has been my life for over thirty years. Working hard to deal with issues that keep popping up, and wondering why I can’t just let the past go and face my fears, which I have been admonished for by family members more than once. (this question was finally answered for me in this book)
I always believed in God…that was never a question for me. What I was missing, was a relationship with Him, and strong faith.
When I was in my early thirties, I attended a renewal weekend at my Catholic Church. One of the women was giving her witness of faith, and all I remember of her talk was “I forgive you, daddy.” When I heard those words, pain and tears that I had buried came tumbling out in a torrent of anguish.
From that moment, I knew what the truth of my life was, and I knew that Jesus was with me …that He would never leave me, and that I would do all I could do to develop a relationship with Him.
It has been a long journey for me, and Jesus has never let go of me. He has blessed me with my husband who is always there to love me, two sons and their beautiful families, and wonderful friends I have met along the way.
He has also blessed me with the gift of faith, that infuses me with the knowledge that all things work toward good for those who love Him. I know that all joys, and also the suffering that is part of my life’s journey, will ultimately bring me home to Him.
This is true for all of us.
If you are not at that place of trust yet, take a moment to thank Jesus for all the blessings in your life, and ask Him for the gift of faith. Everything will fall into place, but most probably, not in the way you would expect. That is where the faith comes in. Click here for my post “Trusting the Winds of Change.”
So…back to our move to Colorado. We grew up in Northeastern Ohio, and then lived in Northern VA/DC area for over twenty years. autumns were beautiful in those areas, and fall is my favorite time of year.
We lived in Central CA for five years, to be near our first grandson. To learn how that fell into place, click here. In that five years, another grandson was added to our family, and also two granddaughters in the Denver, CO area. My son in CA just accepted a wonderful job opportunity in Denver, so their family moved to Fort Collins, Colorado, and so did we! The Lord orchestrated (through our other son and daughter in law) a way for us all to be living near eachother again, and my husband and I get to enjoy all of our grandchildren!
Central California has no fall…maybe a little tree or bush here and there. So, I have been missing my favorite time of year…the colors!
When the beauty and colors of autumn exploded here, my heart just about exploded with it! Jesus directed our path, and we ended up living in the most beautiful place I have ever seen in the fall! Colors everywhere, and sunrises and sunsets that take my breath away.
Thank you, Lord, for the beauty of your creation, and for leading me in such a gentle way, allowing me to access the truth of my life, and for opening my mind and heart to your love and mercy.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28