It was always my belief that as my relationship with Jesus grew, and my understanding of The Catholic Faith became stronger, that somehow my mind and soul would become enlightened, and I would be infused with deep spiritual truths and secrets that were not available to everyone.
I was waiting for the illumination of truth that was outside of myself…kind of like waiting for the universe to open to me and for “magic” to happen.
In reality, something very different is happening. The more I learn and grow, and the more I pray, a different illumination is taking place that I never expected…even though I actually prayed for it.
I prayed that The Holy Spirit would shine light into the darkness that exists in my soul, and draw the unknown dark areas out, that I may be healed and filled more fully with his Presence. When I prayed those requests, I am not sure I even thought about how this would happen…how God would heal me.
I put my trust in the healing power of Jesus, and asked Him to work in me and through me.
The illumination that is occurring is not enlightening me with unknown secrets that will magically make things better. It is not an easy or instantaneous fix.
What I am experiencing, is the revelation, one by one, of forgotten sins. Ways that I offended God, ways that I hurt other people. Past sins that were committed due to my lack of faith, and also due to my weaknesses and bad choices. And also sins that I am guilty of now, and how those sins have hurt and are still hurting those that I love.
What is being illuminated, is how I have sinned against God in so many ways, and how I am not worthy.
Through this difficult process, I feel guilty, ashamed, horrified, helpless, vulnerable, and very small. I wonder how Jesus could still love me, through all of that muck.
And then I remember… Jesus never left me. He was always right there, suffering alongside me, through all the pain I went through… even though I found many ways of pulling away from him or keeping him at arms length.
As I am convicted of sin after sin, I am extremely grateful for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. That through my confession, Jesus himself forgives me through the Priest who is my confessor, and I am given grace through that sacrament.
If there are dark areas that you are struggling with, know that Jesus is right there with you, waiting for you to acknowledge them. Trust in Jesus, and in the Sacrament of Reconciliation that he gifted you with in His Holy Catholic Church. Reach out for the graces and peace that await you.
He loves you and is waiting for you…don’t keep him waiting too long.
For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor is anything secret that will not become known and come to light. Luke 8:17
May the God of peace himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do this. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24