A Different Kind of Illumination

It was always my belief that as my relationship with Jesus grew,  and my understanding of The Catholic Faith became stronger, that somehow my mind and soul would become enlightened, and I would be infused with deep spiritual truths and secrets that were not available to everyone.

I was waiting for the illumination of truth that was outside of myself…kind of like waiting for the universe to open to me and for “magic” to happen.

In reality, something very different is happening.  The more I learn and grow, and the more I pray, a different illumination is taking place that I never expected…even though I actually prayed for it.

I prayed that The Holy Spirit would shine light into the darkness that exists in my soul, and draw the unknown dark areas out, that I may be healed and filled more fully with his Presence.  When I prayed those requests, I am not sure I even thought about how this would happen…how God would heal me.

I put my trust in the healing power of Jesus, and asked Him to work in me and through me.

The illumination that is occurring is not enlightening me with unknown secrets that will magically make things better.  It is not an easy or instantaneous fix.

What I am experiencing, is the revelation, one by one, of forgotten sins.  Ways that I offended God, ways that I hurt other people. Past sins that were committed due to my lack of faith, and also due to my weaknesses and bad choices.   And also sins that I am guilty of now, and how those sins have hurt and are still hurting those that I love.

What is being illuminated, is how I have sinned against God in so many ways, and how I am not worthy.  

Through this difficult process, I  feel guilty, ashamed, horrified, helpless, vulnerable, and very small. I wonder how Jesus could still love me, through all of that muck.

And then I remember… Jesus never left me.  He was always right there, suffering alongside me, through all the pain I went through… even though I found many ways of pulling away from him or keeping him at arms length.

As I am convicted of sin after sin, I am extremely grateful for the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  That through my confession, Jesus himself forgives me through the Priest who is my confessor, and I am given grace through that sacrament.

If there are dark areas that you are struggling with, know that Jesus is right there with you, waiting for you to acknowledge them.  Trust in Jesus, and in the Sacrament of Reconciliation that he gifted you with in His Holy Catholic Church.  Reach out for the graces and peace that await you.

He loves you and is waiting for you…don’t keep him waiting too long.

 

For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor is anything secret that will not become known and come to light.  Luke 8:17

May the God of peace himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do this. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

 

 

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How Does Your World Change When Your Father is Gone?

How does your world change when your father has passed on, and is no longer with you?

“Papa Bill” with Grandson Joey

I cannot speak for all of you, for what your story is, or what you are feeling.  All I can do is share what my personal reality is…with the knowledge that as I continue to walk my journey, that reality may change.  As it has changed in the last fourteen years…since my father, Bill Makosky,  passed away.  To read my tribute to my dad, written a year after his death, click here.

When my father died, I went numb, and then into auto pilot.  So many things to do, so many people to interact with,  and so many reasons to stay strong for my mother and family.  Although my heart knew the grief, anger, sadness, and confusion that  lurked beneath the surface, I instinctively protected the depth of those feelings…and chose to reveal only a facade to the world around me.

My mother was alone after his death,  and needed to be with loved ones.  A year after my dad died, my husband and I  invited her to come live with us…which meant she had to make that very hard decision to leave all she knew, and the home that she and dad had lived in for most of their married life together.  She moved from the small town of Youngstown, OH, to Manassas, VA…which is essentially the crazy Washington D.C. area.  And my sisters and I, all did what we needed to do to help her purge most of what she owned, sell her home, (the home we all grew up in) and then move in with us.

Mom ended up living with us until her death, in 2015. During that time, I kind of took her lead, regarding her grieving the loss of my dad.  In the beginning, she talked about him a lot, and was kind of living in her own reality regarding the man he was.  It was obvious to me that they have always loved each other, through any storm that hit them or our family.  However, when she talked about him, refusing to aknowledge his weaknesses, or the way some of his words and actions affected my sisters and me, it touched a place inside of me that I could no longer ignore.  

Carefully, I would remind her that I grew up in our house, and I knew the truth.  As the years went by, she was more able to accept the goodness of my dad, and also the darkness that he harbored.  We were able to talk about it at times, and although we made that breakthrough, I focused mostly on my relationship with her, and kind of put the death of my father on the back burner.

That changed when my mom passed away, for then I was orphaned.  The foundation of our family, and the roots that connected us no longer existed.  No reasons left for me to gloss over the fact that my father is dead.  

He is gone. 

And I miss him very much!

How did my world change when my father passed on?  A few things come to mind…

No more “hi dads,” and “hi Buns” (he called me Bun) and seeing his face light up when he saw me and his grandsons.

No more seeing him at our door, carrying his paper, and anything else he decided to bring over…like coffee cake or donuts.

No more dad to call when my life was in turmoil…like when my marriage was young and stormy.  He would listen to my cries of anguish, then comfort and support me…while at the same time, never once uttering  a negative thing about Joe…my husband and his son in law.

No more dad to call when I was excited about something in our life, or when there were troubles or sadness.

No more father’s day cards or gifts to choose…or birthdays or holidays to celebrate together.

No more dinners together, and waiting for his reaction to the dishes I prepared.

No more arguments with him, and no more chances to view him from the eyes of one flawed adult to another…no more chances to pray for him, and for the healing of his hurting soul.

The world is still turning…hours, days, months, and years spin by.  And although it is a beautiful world, created and gifted to us to enjoy and treasure, I have finally come to the place where I feel the emptiness of being fatherless in this world.

It is a void that cannot be totally filled by memories.

However, my heart is miraculously filled with an intense love that includes the hearts of my mom and dad.  That love pierces through the pain and grief of losing our loved ones,  It is a love and warmth that could only come from the source of love itself...Our Heavenly Father.

May God bless you on Father’s Day, and each and every day that you are blessed to live and love, in this beautiful world!

 

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.  Deuteronomy 5:16

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The True Women’s March

Today, as the 2017 March for Life is in progress, as it has been since the first march in 1974, I come to you humbled and contrite.

You see, since the so called women’s march that occurred last Saturday, I have been trying to stand for life in the wrong way.  I have allowed the anger and hopelessness to overtake me, allowing it to permeate into my own heart.  I actually could FEEL the presence of Satan…darkness, anger, cynicism, hopelessness, sadness, pride, hate, and confusion.

I made two grave mistakes.  The first is that I did not pray ernestly for the Lord to work through me and to cover me with His armor.  And the second mistake was allowing myself to get into a conversation…an argument…with the devil online.

With the Lord’s help and protection, I will not make those mistakes again.

How do I know that my standing in support of the voiceless unborn is the right choice, and that it is from God?  How do I know that a baby growing in her mother’s womb, that should be the safest place in the world, should always be given the right to life…to be born?  How do I know that the mother, that chooses to kill her unborn baby, will suffer from emptiness and darkness for her whole life, until she allows her broken or stone hard heart to be opened to God’s love, mercy and forgiveness?

How do I know these things?

The evidence is in the women themselves.

The evidence is in the mockery of feminism, that was shown in its full light at the so called women’s march last weekend.  It was in the disgustingly vile signs, costumes and spewed hatred coming from the mouths of these women.  It was the ignorance and confusion of those women professing to be more than their sexuality…and then wearing vagina costumes framing their faces.  It was seen in the rabid joy of women (and also seen on children and some men ) “celebrating” their cause by crocheting and wearing “pussy hats” in solidarity.  It was seen and heard in vile speeches given by celebrities, who portray themselves in disgustingly perverted ways on  screen or  through their music, screaming hate filled messages.

Is that what womanhood and feminism means to you???

Or could it be that true feminism is rooted in a quiet love and respect for God, family, country, and the empowering knowledge that our bodies were created with the ability to conceive, carry, and give birth to the greatest gift that God can give us…the gift of life.  The gift of being a vessel of His love…and saying yes, as Our Blessed Mother, Mary,  did, to His will for us.  For in bringing another baby into this world, we are expanding Our Lord’s Kingdom.  It is so much more than us…it is greater than we can ever fathom.

The march last weekend, and the many reasons mothers seek out and kill their babies while growing in the womb, are rooted in confusion, fear, hatred, sadness, selfishness, isolation, pride, arrogance, and despair.  This was easily seen and heard while viewing the march, and listening to the protesters and speakers. The body language and the eyes to their souls sadly spoke volumes to me.

The March for Life that is occurring right now, features speakers and protesters that are rooted in love, mercy, humbleness, inner joy, faith, hope, selflessness, and the desire to reach out, with their hearts, hands and resources…to be of support to hurting  women, through the whole process of pregnancy and beyond.  To be there for them in friendship and love, helping to ensure that they, and their babies, have the support, love and necessities for as long as they need it.

Which woman are you?  What is the root of your beliefs?

Much to think about…

I ask God for forgiveness for allowing Satan to enter my heart through this past week.  I ask that He forgive me for not seeing past the actions and the vulgar, hateful  words spewed…for not looking for Him in their hearts and souls.  For not seeing the hurt and pain that reside deep within them.

For, instead of judging them, I should have been praying for love, mercy and joy to enter their hearts and lives.

Always knowing that I am too weak to always extend love and mercy on my own.  It is only when I am protected by the Armor of God…and willing to be His vessel… that HIS love may shine from my heart.

May God bless all of us and our country!

rachelsvineyard.org 

www.abbyjohnson.org

 

 

What Love Really Looks Like

Lately the words “What Love Really Looks Like” have been going through my head.  Probably because of our recent visit to Central California to enjoy some time with our son and daughter in law, and to meet our first grandchild, Brayden.  Watching their family bond together, and all that goes into the care of an infant, etched into my heart the reminder that love does not usually look like the love that is marketed to all of us on a daily basis.

Yes, there are times of carefree romantic bliss, and those moments of angelic babies surrounded by an aura of sweet white light.  Like the moments  that are portrayed by Hallmark and on social media.  Do we even remember anymore that most of the photos we see now are the result of careful staging, that depict perfectly put together couples, adorable babies, and trendy families?  Whatever happened to the uncomfortable, and many times unflattering pictures of old?  The ones that truly show life as it is…spontaneous and messy.  I must admit, I am the first one to delete “bad” pics of myself or anyone else that I feel would not be flattering.  Why do we desire to show the happy “perfection,” and not the struggle?

Sometimes, in trying to make our world “look good” to ourselves or others, we kind of forget what love really looks like. 

As we get closer to Jesus, we realize that through the suffering and struggle of our daily crosses, when we open ourselves up to His love and healing mercy, we begin to experience His Divine Love.

What does love really look like?

There is beauty in love that is revealed through joy, happiness, and contentment.  We all have known moments of great love and happiness…when we are so filled with love that we feel our hearts will just burst.

However, there is a deeper love…a greater joy that unites us with Jesus.  That unfathomable joy is shown in ways we don’t expect. Some of those moments don’t “feel” like love when they are happening.  The love is shown when we experience those moments, and allow the Holy Spirit to work through them, and work through us.

What does love really look like?  It looks like…

Hearing your newborn scream incessantly no matter how you try to soothe him; living on a few hours of sleep, and feeling overwhelmed. Changing dirty diapers that look like an explosion took place…how could all of that even come out of that tiny baby?  Then your baby focuses and gazes straight into your eyes, and smiles with his whole face.  Your heart instantly melts.

Doing what needs done as a couple to run your household and raise your children.  Getting up everyday to go to work, when you’d rather stay home or do something much more interesting.  Or maybe you are the one who is staying home to raise your children and manage your home…and the day to day “drudgery” sometimes feels as though you can’t do it one more day.  Then, through the little things of daily life, through a smile, a hug or a special moment, you are once again reminded of the big “why” and your spirit is renewed.

The misunderstandings, arguments, and pain that happen in your marriage.  The times when you bite your tongue when your spouse says something that hurts you to the core.  Or the times you are the one who lashes out with angry, biting words.  Then, through a miracle, the both of you once again work through the issues and difficulties, and become even closer through the struggle together.

Being the caregiver for someone in your life.  The daily care, responsibility, and the pain of watching the one you love suffer, and then pass away.  The grief.  And then the joy of knowing he/she is with you forever, and no longer are you separated  by sin, but united in love.

The pain of a mother, hearing that her daughter was killed while on a date with a boyfriend, who was driving drunk.  That mother’s grief and pain in losing her daughter was overwhelming.  However, the love of Jesus allowed her to stand up in the courtroom to speak up for the young man that was responsible for her daughter’s death.  She was able to hug and love him, through the fullness of the Holy Spirit working in her heart.

The look of anguish between a husband and wife, as one of them confesses to infidelity, and the forgiveness that is offered from the heart to the offender.  The grief, the pain, and the days, months and sometimes years of suffering together to restore the marital trust.  And then the joy of discovering that the journey of healing miraculously built a truly happy, whole marriage relationship that is their greatest gift in life.

A well known country singer, who was diagnosed with cancer, and knew that her days on earth were coming to an end.  She allowed her final loving days with her family to be shared with the world, in order to share her faith and love of God with those that may have needed to see through her eyes of faith.  Beautiful.

What does love really look like?

It looks like Our Savior, sacrificing Himself to suffer and take on full  punishment for our sins.  It looks like a man, bloodied, scourged, tortured, mocked, hanging on a cross, and uttering the words “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do,” and then dying for us.

Then there was Easter Sunday!  Triumph over death!  Alleluia!

Thank you, Jesus, for showing us what love really looks like.  I ask that you work through me, allowing your love to reach those in need of your mercy.

 

 

 

 

 

Our Weakness

Since my mom passed away in September, many emotions have been ebbing in and out of my heart.  I know this is a normal part of the grieving process, so I am attempting to allow  myself to feel each emotion as it comes.  Along with all the emotions, comes the questions of what I could have done better.  How many times I let my selfishness keep me from enjoying more time with my mom and doing more than I did for her.  And hidden in the back of my mind and heart, are the questions about the things that came between us in the past.  The growing up years.

Although the recent years of living with my mom brought us closer together, each of us learning to forgive and overlook weaknesses, these questions were lingering in my subconscious mind.

The other day I was thinking of my mother, and could feel her presence.  I told her I was sorry for all the ways I let her down, and for not always being there for her in the way I should have been.

Instantaneously,  I heard her voice.  She said, “You did the best you could.  And I did the best I could.”

Those words, simple as they were, really broke through to me.  In this life, as humans, we will always fall short.  No matter how much we love someone, and no matter how hard we try to do the right things…we will always fall short.  I realized that my mom loved all of us so much all through the years, and she never stopped loving us.  Even though she was the perfect mother for us, she was not perfect.

And neither am I. 

And that is ok.

Dear Lord, thank you for shining your beautiful, healing, comforting light on our families.  Thank you for filling our hearts with your love, and then touching those we love through our imperfections.  Thank you for always working through us…even when we are unaware of your presence, or  not “feeling it.”  For it is in our weakness that your power is made perfect.

 

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

 

 

Tribute of Love

My father passed away twelve years ago today. My heart is filled with many emotions, especially as I experience this day with my mom, who still grieves for him. I wanted to repost my tribute to him. Love you daddy!

somebodylovesmeblog

Eleven years ago today, on Divine Mercy Sunday, my father passed away.  It was very touching that his life ended on that special day, because he was a very conflicted man who was much in need of mercy…as we all are.  Through conversations with him later in life, and also through the enlightenment of my own personal journey of faith and forgiveness, I know that he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, and I also know that he felt humbled by the love and mercy of  Jesus.  He felt small and knew that he let his God and his family down in many ways…as we all do.

This is a tribute of love to the man that God blessed me with…to be my earthly father.

I love you, Daddy, and miss you so very much.

My father was born to a large family.  He had six brothers…

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True Forgiveness

Today I received the following message through a Daily Bible Passage group email, and I am called to share these words with you. 

Forgiveness seems to be the issue that I need to work on, because everywhere I look, “forgiveness” pops out at me.   

I pray that these words open your eyes and touch your heart, as they touched mine:

 

“Deep down, forgiveness means wanting for the offending party what God wants for that person: to live honestly as

someone made in God’s image and likeness, reflecting that in his or her choices.

People sometimes think that forgiveness requires lying to themselves—that the offensive action or omission never happened, it didn’t really do much damage, etc.

That approach to forgiveness can keep a person in an abusive situation, lead to serious financial loss or put someone’s life in jeopardy. It’s not forgiveness to make excuses for another person’s addiction or behavior and its negative consequences.

Forgiveness cannot change past facts but it can put them into a different perspective, a more life-giving perspective. For that reason, forgiveness and truth are allies, not enemies. Nothing worthwhile can be built on a lie.

It is appropriate to forgive someone when you can look in the mirror and tell yourself honestly, “I want for that person what God wants.” Until you can say that, you should pray for the grace to say it honestly. When you can, you will be free.”

Author Unknown

Make the Decision to Forgive

For the last week or so, the Lord has been filling my mind with the word “forgiveness.”  It seems forgiveness has been the theme of many recent blog posts I have read, and the need for forgiveness is evident in many lives around us.  All you need to do is open your eyes and heart to the pain that so many are suffering, and you will see that the source of that pain lies in the refusal to just let go.

Satan is happily and cleverly deceiving us.  We are being fooled into thinking that we are “punishing” those who have offended or hurt us when we tightly hold onto the sadness, bitterness, anger and confusion.  We are living under deception when we hold grudges and wish harm on others because of their transgressions.

I have even heard Christians loudly proclaim that they hope a person “burns and rots in hell” because of the nature of their crimes.

Only the Lord knows a person’s heart.  Only the Lord knows the journey that person has traveled and where his journey will lead.  Only the Lord will make the Final Judgment.

Are we forgetting the conversion of Saul, the persecutor and murderer?

9 Meanwhile Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest ² and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any who belonged to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. ³ Now as he was going along and approaching Damascus, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. ⁴ He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” ⁵ He asked, “Who are you, Lord?” The reply came, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. ⁶ But get up and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.” ⁷ The men who were traveling with him stood speechless because they heard the voice but saw no one. ⁸ Saul got up from the ground, and though his eyes were open, he could see nothing; so they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. ⁹ For three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank.

¹⁰ Now there was a disciple in Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” He answered, “Here I am, Lord.” ¹¹ The Lord said to him, “Get up and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul. At this moment he is praying, ¹² and he has seen in a vision” ¹³ But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints in Jerusalem; ¹⁴ and here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who invoke your name.” ¹⁵ But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is an instrument whom I have chosen to bring my name before Gentiles and kings and before the people of Israel; ¹⁶ I myself will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” ¹⁷ So Ananias went and entered the house. He laid his hands on Saul and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on your way here, has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” ¹⁸ And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and his sight was restored. Then he got up and was baptized, ¹⁹ and after taking some food, he regained his strength.  For several days he was with the disciples in Damascus, ²⁰ and immediately he began to proclaim Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is the Son of God.”    Acts 9:1-20

Until a person’s last breath is taken, there is always the possibility of conversion.  There is always the hope that they will open their heart to the saving grace of Jesus.  That is the reason why we must pray for those that have wronged us…pray for and love our enemies.  We must be blessings to all, and love all.

Why are we so afraid to trust the Lord and His love for us?  We claim that we love Him and recite Bible verses;  however, we stubbornly and greedily hoard a list of wrongs in our hearts.  Those wrongs may have been horrendous, hateful actions or words against us, or maybe perceived offenses that we carry within ourselves.

Let it go!

Forgive those who hurt and offended you, no matter how grievous it was.  Forgive yourself, for whatever it is that Satan constantly accuses you of.  If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive and let go, confess that to the Lord, and give the whole situation to Him.  Ask Him to fill your heart with His love, and to help you pray for that person who hurt you.

Satan knows that when you keep your heart filled with resentment, hate, anger, bitterness, sadness, and confusion, there is little room for the Holy Spirit.  Stop feeding into Satan’s lies and deceptions that keep your heart and life in darkness.

Take a true step in faith.  No matter what your feelings are, no matter how deep the pain is, make the decision to forgive.  And pray that The Holy Spirit fills your heart with light and love so intense that it spills over to the souls suffering in darkness.

 

 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.   Matthew 6:14-15

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.   1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:31-32