Sometimes we forget that God knows our hearts better than we do.
We trod along each day, searching for those things that we believe will make us happy. As we attain our dreams and goals, we usually find that when we reach those goals, and actually have exactly what we were desiring, life still isn’t the perfect place we imagined it to be. So, not understanding the truth and reality of life, we move ourselves once again toward another imagined perfect scenario of happiness.
We all do it in one way or another.
It’s hard for us to understand that in many of life’s circumstances, there will always be a struggle…and with struggle, there is usually suffering. We try to skip over the suffering part of life, because it can feel like the twisting of a knife in our soul. It hurts so deeply, that sometimes we deal with it by ignoring or burying the pain.
That’s what I did for most of my life…ignored and buried the pain. I buried the memories and feelings that I couldn’t bear to face, into different sections of my mind and heart…and lived the life that I created for myself…my “happy place.” For so many years, I strived for my own peace of mind, and to create a warm, inviting, loving home for my husband and sons. All of my heart and soul were directed toward finding ways to make my family feel safe, loved and nurtured.
For many years, that goal brought me deep happiness, and I felt loved and at peace…until I didn’t.
Somewhere along the way, I started to become aware of a forgotten reality that would show itself to me in flashes and bits and pieces. Like the layers of an onion, the illusions that I held of my life started to peel away, one layer at a time. As with an onion, the revealing truths that were exposed, caused stinging tears, pain, and heartache.
As I become more and more aware of my own feelings that I never allowed myself to feel, and remember the reasons for the many issues that I struggle with every day, I am becoming closer and closer to Jesus. Although sometimes things are unclear and confusing to me, I trust that I am being led to developing certain knowledge and virtues through the suffering.
No matter what life brings, or what pain I may be experiencing, I trust in the Lord. All things work toward good for those who love him.
God has always been with me. He was there as I was suffering abuse and trauma as a child. He was there with me as I shut down my feelings, and left my body, so I wouldn’t experience the pain and horror that my little mind and heart could not fathom. He surrounded me with the gentle love that kept me together, until the time came for me to face all of what happened in our family, as my sisters and I were growing up.
Suffering brings us closer to Jesus (if that is what we choose) and helps us to develop love and empathy for those that we meet that are suffering. Our eyes and hearts become wide open to knowing and seeing the deep pain and needs of those around us…especially when they experienced the same struggles that we did.
Our Lord doesn’t always protect and keep us from harm. However, I believe that he is always working in ways we cannot fathom…giving us the opportunity to grow in faith, love and hope here on earth, leading us to the true desire of our hearts, which is eternal life with Him.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28